The pastor of Incline Village Church asked parishners to pray for the capture of a 700lb. Bruin, called The Peanut Butter Bandit, that has caused concern among all local residents. No sightings have been reported lately, despite his/her having spent considerable time @ church eating Christmas goodies,ie. 22 jars of peanut butter. No doubt, he/she will learn that churches are a great place to find foodstuffs w/o the necessity of tearing open the minivan doors.
I expect Tahoma Bear Rescue teams will find the miscreant in short order. I have been reassured by their staff that churches on the West Shore have nothing to worry about. However, we advise a sharp lookout for 700 pounders lurking in the forests. The wildlife managers @ Fish & Game are of the opinion that this behavior is one result of the severity of the present recession: this bear is probably unemployed and has exhausted his unemployed benefits, his skills are not in great demand, and he's worried about his family. He's praying,too, asking for Divine intervention and maybe a turkey carcass or two.
Should you see a sow bear outside of any church with her cubs, don't intervene; she's giving instructions on survival techniques during a recession.
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